We want it like this guy’s got it. Two or three times. We will have what he is having! Breakfast, lunch and dinner! [Did we belabor this a bit? We have have belabored...]

You might think this dance is awful, even unwatchable, perhaps an affront to all that we hold dear as humans with rhythm. You might even be right. But if you look at is a dance of humility in praise of all that lawn furniture has done for us, then it sort of works. Just barely.

This isn’t a concert, truth be told, but a sporting event (something called “basket-ball?” Every heard of it?) — however, we think you will not complain once you see this amazing dance. SLAM DUNK!

You may have forgotten already, but this guy is single-handedly keeping the spirit of Michael Jackson alive. All by himself.

Yes, that’s really Rush Limbaugh dancing to Lady Gaga’s Poker Face at the Miss America Pageant. We just wish we could see his p-p-p-porker face in a close-up.

Remember when we said we’d be back in January? We made it back just under the wire. Enjoy this hot Puerto Rican Parade granny action.

You could make fun, sure, but then these two dudes would be like, “Well, what do YOU do for fun?” and you’d say, “I surf around the Web all day looking for funny videos to keep myself entertained.” And they’d look at each other and then give you a very sad look and then go back to having the best fucking time anyone in the world has ever had doing something fun for as long as people have lived on Earth.

Always be prepared when you go to a concert because you could suddenly find yourself in competition for your reputation. MORTAAAAAAAL DAAAANCE COMBAAAAAAT!

The Newcomer, who knew not of such things, asked the Sound Engineer, “Who’s that guy? The one with the professor sports coat?” The Sound Engineer surveyed the scene. He eyed the movement he beheld in front of him, took a long drag of his cigarette, and replied, “You see the way that guy shuffles? At first, we didn’t know what to make of it. Should we laugh? Point and stare? But he kept on with it. For days. Weeks. Shuffling and shuffling on end like he was sent by God himself in a fit of playful rage. We came to respect him. He never hurt nobody and maybe, on the edge of some infinity we can barely grasp, he’s got his reasons. We call him ‘Shuffle Shuffle Man.’ ” The Newcomer’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Why ‘Shuffle Shuffle?’ ” he asked. “Why not just use the word once?” The Sound Engineer adjusted slightly the gain on the drummer’s microphones as he rounded near a solo. “The guy shuffles. A LOT. Did you not just hear a word I said? Leave Shuffle Shuffle Man be,” the Sound Engineer said. “He’s still got lots of shufflin’ to do. I reckon.”

This guy’s in it for the long haul. The long, painful, embarrassing full-length haul.