Hey, y’all. I know you to get up close and be near the band and stuff, but, there’s lots of room back over here! By the trashcans!

Really, it doesn’t even smell or anything. Why don’t some of y’all come back here. There’s no smoke or sweaty people. Just me, dancing around. I won’t even bother you. I’ll just do some of my sweet moves and you can watch or jump in or not. You know, whatever. It’s cool.

Come on back, all right?

Please?

Despite what others may tell you, Jackson Moves are a perfectly acceptable form of pre-concert self-entertainment in the event that:

• You are bored.
• The opening act is awful or the main act is running late.
• The people around you are dipshits you aren’t trying to impress anyway.

Do some Jackson Moves if you have to.

You! Teens who are so young and full of life and not yet beaten down by the weight of the world!

Look upon these two. Do not laugh. Do not mock. Do not cruelly film it on your cell phone and put it on YouTube.

Because once you are 35, this is the coolest you will possibly be. This is it. The ceiling. You will be lucky to be this cool when you are 35.

Now spend the next 20 or so years haunted by that thought.

Shut up, Fosse. I GOT THIS.

… but, OK, you win. Your dad IS pretty awesome.

This one won’t seem like much unless you skip ahead or stick with it until about 2:21 when the true glory of this video becomes evident.

You have to be patient with these things sometimes.

What is WRONG with y’all? Am I the only one who brought my dancin’ shoes and my good dancin’ fist and my spirit and THE LORD here? Because I don’t see any of y’all dancing, and I thought we came here to have a good time. Sheryl! I see you up front. Girl, why aren’t you dancin’?! Did you drive all the way out here just to sit on your little heinie. Because that’s not the plan that’s gonna get your emotions in motions, are y’all FEELING ME!?

OK, look, that’s all right. Y’all OBVIOUSLY aren’t feeling it like I’m feeling it, and that’s a shame and all, but don’t think for a second y’all can stop ME from getting up and shaking my arm and showing off my new green shirt that I just bought at Penney’s. Don’t y’all think that for A SECOND.

I’m gonna dance. Y’all can just sit around like logs and tap your feet or whatever. I’ll be up here dancing and praising the Lord and being AWESOME.

We had a sweet dream once. It was to watch a girl stand at the front of the balcony section and dance through an entire cover song by Leona Lewis.

IT TOTALLY CAME TRUE!

All right, this doesn’t really take place at a soccer World Cup (it’s actually the 2007 Cricket World Cup), but the sentiment is one we’d point out even if it were: that when you blend different nationalities (in this case Ireland and Pakistan), you sometimes get some drunken douchebag mocking the rival culture.

But here’s where it’s hopeful, you can see for just a second or two where the guy actually really gets into it, actually appreciates and honors the dance he was just moments before mocking.

That lasts a second or two and then he goes back to being an obnoxious turd. Ah well. Maybe next year we’ll have world peace.

You don’t have to be a famous Portuguese soccer player to look good when you dance at a concert, but goddamned if it doesn’t help.