Despite what others may tell you, Jackson Moves are a perfectly acceptable form of pre-concert self-entertainment in the event that:

• You are bored.
• The opening act is awful or the main act is running late.
• The people around you are dipshits you aren’t trying to impress anyway.

Do some Jackson Moves if you have to.

You! Teens who are so young and full of life and not yet beaten down by the weight of the world!

Look upon these two. Do not laugh. Do not mock. Do not cruelly film it on your cell phone and put it on YouTube.

Because once you are 35, this is the coolest you will possibly be. This is it. The ceiling. You will be lucky to be this cool when you are 35.

Now spend the next 20 or so years haunted by that thought.

SIMMONS! Get in here. Oh, stop smiling. It doesn’t suit your square face.

Simmons, I called you into my office to tell you I’m letting you go home early for the day. I found an interesting video on The YouTubes and I plan to watch it for the rest of the afternoon. These women I found are CRAZY. Not that it’s any of your business.

So, Simmons, please turn off my light and shut the door behind you as you leave. If you see anyone else in the foyer, tell them to leave me in peace until at least 5:30 p.m. Oh, good lord, can these women shake it. It’s like they’ve got a spasm. Or the vapors. I just know it’s lunchtime and they’re serving up the tasties.

Please leave, Simmons. You’ve overstayed your welcome. Don’t make me fire your ass.

GET OUT, SIMMONS.